Employee Handbook
Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 08/11/2015 - 20:30
The company my cousin works, made an Employee Handbook yesterday. After going through it, he brought it for me to go through. Now I'm bringing it for you all to go through. It reads,
EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK.
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing 30,000 Naira sneakers and carrying a 45,000 Naira bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in - between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: December 25th and January 1st.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co - workers. Every effort should be made to have non - employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least a two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
LUNCH BREAK: Slim people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice weekend!.
EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK.
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing 30,000 Naira sneakers and carrying a 45,000 Naira bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in - between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: December 25th and January 1st.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co - workers. Every effort should be made to have non - employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least a two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
LUNCH BREAK: Slim people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice weekend!.
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